My mind...changes

This is my attempt at saying what someone with bipolar disorder would feel like in a moment when they try to not take the pills.


My feelings are like a bag of mixed things, you never know what you are going to get. The only difference is that the flavors can change in a matter of seconds. I never know why I am thinking what I’m thinking, or if it is a true feeling, but I am just not able to control what my heart says. I feel happy and sad about 3 times a day. For no reason at all, just because. I also have different opinions on people each minute, changing my ideas and doctrines constantly. I like someone one moment and then the next I just feel hatred towards them, just like that with no warning or explanation. I would pay billions of dollars to understand my mind and everything I do, but my head is probably to tangled to even be understood by professionals. There is no logical explanation for what happens, and me an extremely down to earth and curious person, is dying to find one. The results my brain produce with any miniature alteration, or sometimes even with no change at all, have to be caused by something, and I desperately want to find out what that is. How that can be done however, is something I don’t know.

I was given millions of chances. Opportunities for me to act as I pleased were settling all around me. I ignored every single one of them, and the few that I couldn’t shove away, I just snuggled myself out of the situations. At the moment, probably caused by humiliation, pressure, or simply my freaky mind, what I was doing seemed to be the right choice. It worked sometimes and others it didn’t but I figured I should keep on doing it and so I did. Millions of times I could have said what I really thought, and millions of times did I think about doing so, but every single one of those moments I chickened out, to afraid to act. Now here I am, sitting in bed, eating ice cream and trying to be happy, the next minute, I am, and then I’m not again. I try not to, I try to resist, but I can’t. I run the bathroom and drink one of the pills. My feelings stabilize, I feel better. In a while though, I know I will feel bad again. Changing every minute, taking pills, a vicious cycle.